iconology.

ho down.

2008-05-13T23:28:00.003-04:00

i'm in the city. hells kitchen, to be exact. i'm sitting on the ex-boyfriend's sofa. i just ate way too much subway and watched way too many episodes of sex and the city. i couldn't figure out how to get the television off of dvd mode and it was already in so i thought i would watch an episode. that turned into four. fortunately one of the four turned out to be one of my favorite episodes. i have no idea where my ex is currently. he might be on a date. and i'm so okay with that. i've never felt more detached from him in a romantic way and it's good. i'm free from the ties that bind!

wendy and i have sort of found an apartment. we were pre-approved but i don't want to jinx anything. if all works out i will soon be a resident of clinton hill. not too bad.

this work has spanned over twelve hours. since i typed that previous thought, i've slept full night. today is the out lounge thing and i get to see all these men that were in my life last summer. however, i'm really in a mindset to move forward in life. so i think these men will forever stay in summer 2007.

boy-be-queue.

2008-05-08T02:37:00.004-04:00

today was my first day off from my retail job in a week. i spent the day being worlds more productive than i had assumed i would. i'm hoping that tomorrow goes similarly (i also hope i get the same bank man tomorrow. what a gorgeous man!). i'm leaving for new york on monday to find an apartment and i need to have some sort of order to my life by then.

speaking of being in new york next week, my plans for while i'm there sure have changed. originally i had planned on staying with stephanie, who had housed me in december during my visit. this was a beneficial situation because she never really had time to spend outside of work so i was free to gallivant around the city with different boys. however, this time is going to be a tad different. my favorite city boy has a boyfriend!

so to make sure everyone stays on their toes (and because frankly i'm too lazy to look for somewhere else to stay), i will be spending the week with my favorite ex boyfriend. he and i talked tonight about it and i think it'll go smoothly. and if not, i don't much care because he's my ex and that is what he's there for. we've both put in our dues and therefore are able to ask one another for favors until we die.

tonight danlly pointed something out to me that i hadn't really realized. i've been so wrapped up in my postgrad job search that i didn't realize that i'm already fulfilling one of my dreams and that is to move to new york. one dream at a time, corey. no need to achieve everything you want within the first 21 years of your life.

limbo.

2008-05-02T23:20:00.004-04:00

i'm living between lives. behind me lies a student from a small town with a degree from a public university. ahead of me lies a professional in new york city living a completely different lifestyle. presently i lie here on my floor listening to john mayer waiting for the day to end.

i've always been one to never allow myself to ask those with whom i could have/currently have/have had a romantic interest in for help. it's twisted and i just don't ever want to be seen as dependent on him.

wendy's overseas for the next week and on the 12th we'll be on our way to nyc to find an apartment. here's to hoping everything falls into place.

division.

2008-04-27T13:46:00.005-04:00

today starts my life. kind of. graduation is over, school is over, the weekend is over, so over. last night, wendy hosted a party at her apartment that has left me feeling a little uncertain of those in my life (and a little sore in my nose). i've spent some time now burning all sorts of bridges and at this point i don't see myself stopping anytime soon.

it's pretty outside today and i can't stop thinking about sex.

miami fuckery.

2008-04-23T00:09:00.003-04:00

i returned from miami on sunday after a five day vacation. i spent the time with my sister and she and i had a fantastic time. i fell in absolute love with a puppy named yogi and i remember waking up on saturday so excited to spend the day with her. it was a similar feeling i used to have with men, that giddy-anxious excitement that floods my every thought. yeah, i felt that for a dog (and subsequently have not for a man in awhile).

currently, i'm on my sofa in my apartment listening to mariah carey's new album with some candles scattered around. it's very calming and helping me focus on what's to come. i've got a lot of things going on in the next five days. final, work, graduation, parties. i can't believe i'm done.

i took a big step yesterday with wendy and opened my postgrad bank account. i feel responsible but also fairly poor and a little let down because for some reason i half-expected the amount to increase today. it didn't. boo.

tomorrow is my last final ever. in a month i'll be moving to new york. i sure do hope someone hires me.

keep on rockin'

2008-03-31T10:35:00.003-04:00

it's been awhile, blog. i've kept busy with my search for a job and frantic scramble to graduate (and alcoholic binges). this past weekend, kristi and i went to a birthday party for john. i think i can state with confidence that i have fallen in love ... with his friends. and that's going to be an issue.

i've been very stressed out with life after graduation. a lot of things are going to be happening very quickly and i'm not sure if i will be able to keep up. nevertheless, i will be taking a vacation to miami with my sister in mid-april as if i have any time to do so. but i'd like to travel before i start working full-time (wherever that may be).

time to start taking care of myself again. this is going to take some work since i've let myself go after the trip to the west coast.

karmic retribution.

2008-03-19T18:23:00.004-04:00

the past week or so has been good to me. after last week's drinking binge, I was a bit worn out for the st. patrick's day escapades and even spent monday evening at home. in fact, this whole week (all three days) I haven't gone out. man, i sound pathetic.

last week, wendy and i decided to roll up our sleeves and become the men that we are. she and i were able to successfully change my car battery and top off my coolant in the dark. we are somewhat of a midnight mechanic duo. it reassured me that she and i are going to do fabulously once we move.

last night i went out with john for a third time. we went to the movies and it was nice. i liked it. i haven't really felt anything for anyone in a long while and this is all kind of refreshing. and i know he and i are an unlikely pair but it's fun. that being said, we have yet to take that next step and i'm wondering who will do so and where.

last summer i spent a few drug-fueled nights with matt, someone i had met while i was working an out event. he and i continue to talk and he's someone i could see myself really liking if we were to spend more (sober?) time together. i suppose this summer will either confirm or deny that sentiment. he's cute.

i get upset sometimes when i think about leaving my mother and father and grandparents and kristi here when the relocation occurs. it's not going to be easy by any means and it's approaching quicker than i expected. but i can't stay here anymore. it's time to move forward in life.

this morning i snapped on someone who approached me to sign a petition for something i didn't even take the time to learn about. as if my time is so precious that i can't hear someone else out for 30 seconds. my inhumanity is reaching gross new levels.

drugs not hugs.

2008-03-12T20:44:00.003-04:00

saturday night kristi, wendy, and i brought a couple boys to a party in ypsilanti. before we went in we decided to get super high in kristi's car while listening to bob marley. upon our arrival, everyone expected us to be the life of the party (per usual). however, i was too high to talk, let alone dance.

the night consisted of us standing in dark corners while the djs played songs for us that they thought might coax us to dance. we didn't. the cops finally broke the party up and we ran for it. in hindsight, i'm feeling a little bad about my behavior. but i shouldn't feel responsible for being everybody's entertainment. since then i've heard that there is a collective belief that we were being super bitchy. whatever!

tonight we're going back to our favorite local haunt, babs. $12 mixed drink pitcher nights will have some good addition here tomorrow, i assure you.

leaving las vegas.

2008-03-05T18:00:00.004-05:00

i apologize for my absence as i spent the past week romping down the west coast in vegas, santa barbara, and los angeles. i won't go into detail about my trip as i'm sure they'll come out sporadically (similar to what's about to happen below). it was a very good time and i reaffirmed my move to new york in may.

this morning i was showering and reflecting back on this past summer. one memory that stuck with me throughout today comes from my last week in the city. and in an attempt to be more of an open book for complete strangers, i'll elaborate here.

my last visit to metropolitan in brooklyn bestowed upon me an interesting experience. after spending the night drinking with some coworkers and wendy on the bar's back patio and doing bumps of coke inside a bathroom stall in between making out with the guy with the drugs, i was flying high and looking to make some new friends. one man stuck out to me because he was dressed in a bathrobe, carrying a stuffed bear, and wearing an amanda lepore mask. perfect.

i immediately told him i thought he was so original for dressing so extravagantly at the bar and he informed me he had just come from a costume party in the city. he and i chatted as friend after friend streamed out of the bar until even wendy said she was ready to go. however, i was high on coke and feeling chatty so i decided to stay with my robed gentleman.

after talking for awhile, he got hungry and invited me to go get some food. since i was on drugs my appetite wasn't really there but i told him i'd go with him, anyway. we ended up in some bodega near the bar where he got some italian sub or something and we headed back to his apartment so he could eat.

as he sat there chowing down i admired his eclectic christmas decorations (about 7 months out of season). after he finished i started to come down so i let him know i should be leaving. it was about 5am at this point. he told me i should stay and that i wouldn't feel obligated to do anything sexual. i said i'd stay so he kissed me. tricked!

after fooling around in his living room we ended up in his bed where things began to get pretty heavy. right until he passed out underneath me. this is where it gets dicey. i tried to keep going and he even woke up for a minute after i was on top of him. but he didn't stay conscious long. who knew 36 year olds couldn't hold their booze?

eventually i rolled off of him and he tried to put his arm around me. i was able to slide out from under it, get dressed, and pick around for anything worth stealing. after finding nothing of value (yes, i steal), i headed home on my favorite g-train.

i'm buying drugs today and i'm going to get very, very high.

baby fever, substance headache.

2008-02-23T11:00:00.004-05:00

i have a headache from the wine last night. yesterday i spent the day at home visiting my mother and father because i leave for vegas tonight. it was nice to spend time with them and see the puppies, of course.

i drove back for my hair appointment at eight and then met kristi at her apartment for some drinking. we had the grand plan to "party all night" so that we could sleep all day today and then "party all night" again tonight since we can't check into our hotel until 4pm tomorrow. however, those plans kind of fell by the wayside when i bullied kristi into visiting my coworker and his wife (and their 2 month old baby).

i had never held a baby until last night. i felt a little sad as i did so but that may be because i was drunk and a little high. it's so strange to see established families. it's something i don't think i'll ever have and i'm not sure if i like that or not.

i went out with john the other night. i like meeting new people. i won't expand on the subject because unfortunately there's nothing left to expand upon.

last night i had a dream about my ex-boyfriend. damn those dreams and everything they make me feel when i wake up. i suppose it's a good thing that who he is in my dreams is who he isn't in reality and therefore i'll keep my dreams close and him far, far away.

man, i missed my chance to buy the rolling stone with britney on the cover. i really don't want to have to buy it from ebay.

today i have a bunch of shit to do before we depart at 7pm. viva las vegas!

hugs on drugs.

2008-02-21T01:17:00.005-05:00

today has been wholly unproductive and therefore one of the better days i've had in awhile. i spent all day with wendy just kicking back and watching time pass as we laughed about how irresponsible we are. we did, however, plan a going away party for friday night and that's what we do best.

yesterday night she and i attended an empty bar night where all of our favorite djs were playing. i had the luxury of seeing joe once again and he gave me some uncomfortable hug that i really would have liked to not been a part of. on a positive note, wendy and i got significantly sloshed on long islands and vodka tonics while we danced and chatted with some of our friends and even handed out autographed pictures.

i spent the night toying with which guy to pursue and after asking around, i decided on striped shirt guy. we talked for a bit and i asked him to make out in the bathroom (i'm currently at my most assertive i've ever been, apparently). he declined but when i went to pee a few minutes later he followed and we made out anyway.

after that, he and i ended up dancing together a little bit and since we were in front of the dj booth while joe was spinning, i thought it would be the perfect time to make out with striped shirt guy again. spiteful!

the bar closed, i don't remember how i left things with that guy, and wendy and i sat at some trashy local diner eating super greasy foods with some of the other bar goers.

tomorrow i have that date with john and i have yet to call him. dang!

lost and found assertions.

2008-02-19T13:43:00.004-05:00

i'm still young and still experiencing new things daily. yesterday was one such day when i expressed interest in a guy and actually asked him to go out sometime. and he said yes. and i have his phone number this time instead of me waiting for him to call. i now have a drinks date with john (the guy from aldo) hopefully sometime this week before i leave for vegas.

this week isn't really one when i should be going out (both on dates and to the bar) but i plan on doing both. tonight i have the pleasure of facing all of my friends from the party a couple weeks back (including the straight-gone-gay dj) at the elbow room. i go back and forth when writing between my actual thoughts and those that i want others to think i have. i need to constantly remind myself that i'm writing for myself and others just have the luxury of seeing my innermost thoughts. that being said, i'm nervous to see joe because i have no idea how he's feeling after our rendezvous. i suppose time will tell.

las vegas and los angeles in four days. what?

part two.

2008-02-18T18:51:00.005-05:00

"i can't refuse an offer so benevolent, can't assume he's gon' use

me and after he'll never call again. don't be afraid."

jennifer lopez, october 2007

bang, bang, bang.

2008-02-17T10:46:00.004-05:00

man, i keep trying to write about my night before it actually happens and discuss my future plans. i'm getting a little sick of starting every single time with "well last night..." and then recount the previous evenings affairs. however, who doesn't like a little reminiscing?

the bang was last night. i made the grand statement about a week ago that i don't do shots anymore. however, that seems to have been a grand overstatement as i think i've done shots every single night i went out this past week. so a group of us did some shots over here and then cabbed it to the blind pig. when we pulled up there was a line about a block long and i absolutely detest waiting.

the fearsome threesome decided it would be easier (and warmer) to enter the eight ball and work our way upstairs to the blind pig. after having a round of vodka cranberries (delicious!), we caught a break when the door guy had to run some booze to the downstairs bar. we scampered up the stairs and headed into the droves on the dance floor so that no one could catch us.

we danced the night away on the floor, onstage, and behind the scenes. i saw all sorts of people i know (small-town life, i suppose) and loved our drinks for having a handle. i made eyes at a few guys but since i know them from around it wasn't really a good idea to take it any further. so i didn't.

we left and ended up at pizza pino's (huh?) where i ate my second meal of the day. due to the caloric value of a piece of barbeque chicken pizza, today i should eat very light.

my karmic output into the universe has come back around. the guy at aldo has come into apple asking about me. if i were a fully functional person i would go talk to him at his place of business. alas, i'm not so who knows what will happen now.

french-ing.

2008-02-16T12:45:00.006-05:00

i'm finding that as people change and relationships dissolute, we try to bring our past into our present and it just doesn't translate. there are a lot of people i once knew so well but are now in my life in a completely different context. and sometimes it's for better. and when it's not, i've learned to look beyond it. i like who i am and as people pass in and out of my life i'm not going to beg them to stay.

kristi, chris and i met up with some friends at café habana that i've very much grown to like. i talked candidly about a lot things going on in my life and was met with understanding and compassion (even if it's under the influence... which i like even more).

after the bar closed and we were ushered out by the bartenders, kristi and i headed back to her apartment where we thought there was an after-party. there wasn't. or rather, there was and it consisted of an ex-lover (not mine) and a bottle of jack daniels.

we swigged from the bottle amidst the sounds of puke and my iphone. i had a really good time with the three of us talking. i like expressing opinions (and gossiping, oops) and hearing others' thoughts on the subject. well, i like it when it comes from people that i respect. and that's what we had last night.

around 5am i decided i was sober and sleepy so i headed home. when i got here i contemplating driving to get some breakfast but decided going to bed was probably the better idea.

today i have to do a lot of reading and laundry if i can even consider going out tonight. i have two midterms next week but all i can think about is what days of the week i can go out. where are my priorities?

date-crashing.

2008-02-15T14:24:00.005-05:00

last night found the unholy trinity at bab's underground lounge after we finished a bottle of tequila (the drink of love) in my apartment. vodka & redbull rounds were consumed as we scoped out the swingin' singles. kristi found her favorite bab's frequenter at the bar while i made eyes at some man who couldn't have been taller than 5'2" (perfect).

wendy recognized one of the bar goers (presumably on a date) and sidled up to him as kristi and i entertained the girl. she thought she was onto us but little did she know that we knew she knew we knew. it's not as complicated as it sounds (and it is a little like that episode of friends).

in the end wendy got the guy, the girl got my guy, and kristi and i got 26 photos inside the photobooth (we're cheap and decided using a camera inside of the photobooth would be more cost-efficient than paying the $4). the night turned out less wild than i had anticipated. i really thought the tequila would have remedied that. however, we were able to binge on grilled cheese and french fries (can't eat today!) at the fleetwood where wendy fell and sanitized her cut in probably the dirtiest basement in ann arbor. even better, our kleptomania (which increases under the influence) has bestowed upon me a bottle of steak sauce and some iodized salt.

today everybody is occupied with other engagements so i have high hopes to finish my homework, do my dishes, and go grocery shopping. such is life, i suppose... but one i hope i never have.

VD08.

2008-02-14T15:05:00.004-05:00

i was very ill about three weeks ago. when i went to the doctor i was informed it was the flu but because i had just eaten (self-prepared, mind you) sloppy joes the night before i was mildly convinced it was food poisoning. since then, i hadn't eaten red meat because it was a reminder of how awful i felt for that week. however, last night i was tricked into eating bacon (which i'm well aware isn't red meat) and i'm currently preparing a lasagna that includes meat sauce. what i'm trying to say is my meat strike is over. i've never been one to have any "beef" with those who eat red meat, anyway (har, har).

valentine's day is in full swing. flowers and candy and teddy bears are running amok around town and they're kind of impossible to ignore. but i'm feeling really good. i really think this holiday preys upon the teenagers who are experiencing their first v.d. with a significant other (in more ways than one, i bet!) and lonely 30-somethings. and it was originally a catholic holiday anyway so pffft. take that, saint valentine!

i have to work tonight until 9 and then i'll be going out with friends and probably having a much better time than most couples.

bracing for impact.

2008-02-13T22:40:00.013-05:00

"seriously, i haven't had a boy in a really long time, and i'm really craving ... just a kiss, man. just a kiss would be nice."

britney spears, july 2003

bartenders, bottled beer and cherry bombs.

2008-02-12T14:15:00.001-05:00

last night, i decided my only solution to my current funk was to go out and forget all about it. at eleven o'clock, i headed to kristi's where we tossed around which bar would be open on a monday night and decided upon bab's. after walking there in the blistering cold, we were greeted with a locked door. dang. after going from closed bar to closed bar, we settled on arbor brewing company.

we arrived at last call so we decided jager shots were in order. while we sat and enjoyed our mixed drink and beer, i gazed around at the clientele and reached a pretty good conclusion; there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to dating patterns. I saw the most mismatched gay couple and right there i gave up on trying to decipher the romantic habits of the american population.

after abc closed, kristi and i thought the entire bar would be heading across the street to cafe habana for one last hour out on the town. we were way wrong. we walked in to an absolutely empty lounge and headed downstairs. the bartender informed us we could drink so long as we didn't want mojitos (on $3 mojito night!). instead of pissing off the bartender, we got $2 corona lights, free cherry bombs, and talked with him about his lucrative career in the pornography industry and how all we wanted was a big line of coke.

the bar closed, the bartender wanted to come party, we politely declined and i ended up running home from kristi's after taking a cab. night complete.

this morning i woke up with a new sense of myself. i've become okay with the fact it's just me right now. i also found the cure for seasonal affective disorder and it is to listen to the song "blame it on the weatherman" on repeat. the lyrics address the fact that it's not me, it is the weather that's bringing me down and i won't let it anymore. take that endless winter!

i read somewhere that britney's new single, 'break the ice' is supposed to be a message to her fans. i don't really see it but since it's the next single, i'll go with it.

i'm now sitting at biggby and the "dreamy" barista is here (talking about his boyfriend). i was just solicited by a street team for the new will ferrell film and am now the proud owner of a basketball sticker and three month calendar.

i'm waiting for my friend jess so i can have my first salad of the day.

skipped meals and missed connections.

2008-02-10T19:23:00.000-05:00

last night consisted of thai food with kristi and wendy where the three of us went back and forth between agreeing we were the life of the party and regretting our utter lack of self awareness. i think the jury is still out on the subject but i think we can all assume we are left with mixed emotions.

today i started seeing the change in my eating habits take effect. and it was positive reinforcement that what i'm doing is legitimately working. nothing like a waify sunday to make me feel better after last night, right?

working a part time job in a retail field where i have little knowledge on the product has proven to be difficult. and i see myself struggle often to stay at the pace of those around me. however, i was informed today that the concierge team was getting a reappraisal and that i would still be there after the fact. looks like i can still fake it.

lately, a couple of people have brought to my attention the "missed connections" page on craigslist. last night i read through them and they made me kind of sad. i don't remember but i think danlly said something about how it's these people out on this limb of regret. or maybe that was an original thought. yeah, let's go with that.

i thought i'd try my hand at one. to the employee at aldo who sympathized with me when my hunt for the perfect boot was in vain, i'd like to know you outside the confines of the briarwood shopping panopticon. man, that's desperate.

i've been listening to a lot of the music i listened to during a dark time over the summer when i felt similarly to how i do now. fantastic.

don't move, i want to remember

you just like this.

don't move, it's only a breath

or two between our lips.

to love and life and everything in between.

2008-02-10T00:18:00.001-05:00

my ex-boyfriend and i were "officially" over last december. however, we were both weak and held on to the security of one another for awhile longer. i haven't felt his presence around me for long enough to know that he and i won't ever have another chance. and that's a good thing. i've been kind of waiting for this for awhile.

with that being said, i have been single for over a year. i've had my fair share of men during the past year or so, but nothing serious enough to qualify myself as in a relationship. i've met some great guys in that time (and with the good comes the bad, of course). at this point i just miss getting to know someone new. i haven't had a real date in far too long. a date where i want to go and i get nervous and the guy is a gentleman. man, why is that so hard to find?

after last night i'm sort of feeling this familiar sense of guilt. i felt this way the time i got erik too drunk to drive home so he had to stay the night and the time i had that threesome on the 19th floor of university towers. i'm afraid i'm manipulating situations to my own benefit so i receive the affection and attention that i need. in a sense, it's like i'm taking advantage of people when i can so that my emotional desires are fulfilled.

i never really knew i was so afraid of being alone.

hipsters looking for a good time.

2008-02-09T18:51:00.000-05:00

i do declare, last night is beyond words. i arrived at the restaurant about twenty minutes prior to everybody else and therefore allowed myself to sample an authentic asian beverage that included the description that it was found all around new york city being consumed by hipsters looking for a good time. and that's what i was last night. i also tried sake for the first time and it tasted not unlike male ejaculate.

dinner went smashingly. and by that i mean awkward and silent for most of it. chris tagged along and from what i gather made some sort of "fat joke" to which she did not respond well. i was bullied into tipping way more than i should have and it turned out all for not.

after the long and treacherous meal, i made my way back to my apartment to enjoy a milano and a new ringtone before heading to wendy's apartment for a few drinks with michelle. after dressing kristi in all of wendy's clothes, we made our way to saline (with a quick layover to pick up another one of wendy's coworkers).

upon arrival at the party we made some weird pact in the upstairs bathroom between pulls from a smirnoff lime bottle that we wanted drugs. feeling good from the vodka, we made our way downstairs to mingle with the other partygoers (and scope out the snacks table).

from here the night starts to get a little fuzzy. kristi and i had to steal a can of soda from the fridge to polish off the smirnoff. i think she and i went to the bathroom after a few more drinks and when we came out wendy handed us some orange pills. success.

kristi and i like snorting things so we immediately returned to the bathroom, used lotion bottles to crush up one of the pills and proceeded to do line after line of what i believe to be either adderall or ritalin. the pills were big and we spent about 25 minutes occupying the bathroom and listening to jesse mccartney on my iphone. we talked some about vegas and made the executive decision that we should get some of these pills for spring break. a mission! on the way back to the party some girl slipped us some whiskey and coke from behind. what a kind soul.

we returned to the party, danced for a bit, and cornered the guy with the pills in the kitchen. he was also one of the djs and his name was joe. joe took us outside where we bought what i believe is four more pills (at least that's how many i found in my pocket at work this morning).

we got to talking with joe some more and i started getting some vibes from him or something because somehow between taking shots of jager in the kitchen with him and dancing while he was spinning, he and i ended up in a bed upstairs making out. i did something super embarrassing and told him he was really hot in the middle and i'm now kind of mortified that i said it.

around 6am the party had wound down. kristi and i had done another pill in the bathroom and then got a little high in the kitchen. we got reprimanded for both. i forgot some people are uncomfortable about drug use. at 730am everyone had left, leaving those who had rode with me and joe sitting on some sofas. joe held my hand and i rested my eyes for about twenty minutes before it was time to leave.

joe asked me for my number but i don't really expect him to call. he doesn't seem very sure of his sexuality and in those cases the guy usually stays on the straight and narrow. i did like him but he and i don't have much common ground so it's probably better this way. nevertheless, i did hunt him down on myspace and curses, his profile is private!

from the party i had to work at 9am, my car stalled on state street and thankfully good samaritans came out of the woodwork and got my car running again. work was terrible as that second orange pill was still coursing through me. it's now 8pm and i'm about to eat for the first time today. appetite suppressants are the best.

it's a saturday night and i'm way too burned out to even think about making plans.

¡que caliente!

2008-02-08T14:27:00.000-05:00

last night found wendy, kristi and myself visiting the latest hot spot in town, the btb cantina. a combination of mexican food and mexican drinks makes for an unflattering image in the bar of local singles burying their desires in burritos and nachos. and we were three such locals. as to be expected, we saw an eclectic mix of people we know and people i'd like to never meet. and of course, no night is complete without a gymnast grazing my leg under the table while regaling me in his stories about new york city (and how he promises to visit this time).

this morning i reserved a spot to meet with an advisor during which she will review my resumé and aide me in finding the ever elusive postgrad job. i figure if i attend enough of these there's no way i won't find a job. and putting my future in someone else's hands might make her feel responsible for finding me work. that might sound a bit manipulative, but that's exactly what i'm going for.

i think i'd like to go on a date, soon. i also think i'd like to stop going to the aut bar because upon reviewing my credit card statement it's clear i'm there far too often.

i'm having dinner tonight with kristi and a mutual friend (the one whose ex-boyfriend i fucked) and i can't help but think she has an agenda for the evening. she was supposed to come out with us last night but alas, was not feeling well. about a month ago she had approached me in my apartment about how we hadn't been close for a couple years and she made it sound as if it was something she wanted to right. however, this new person she has become reminds me far too much of erving goffman's theory of presentation of self. it's almost as if i can see right through her front stage self and into who she actually is. and who she actually is is someone who wants to appear to care but might actually not. but i'll go along with it because it's easier to consent than it is to resist at this point.

i ate way too many tortilla chips last night and now i can't eat until dinner.

viva las vegas.

2008-02-07T01:16:00.000-05:00

i spend a lot of nights doing what i am right now. and i can assure you it's nothing productive. most of my time is put towards talking online and mindlessly thumbing through websites whose content i won't remember five minutes after the fact. in reality there a million other things i could be doing. and maybe i will, eventually.

kristi, wendy, and i are going to las vegas and los angeles during the last week in february and that seems to occupy a lot of my thoughts. i really like vacations and i think we will have a superb time. we're landing in vegas the night before we check in so we have the pleasure of spending the nights on the streets.

while in vegas i have a list of places i'd like to visit that i've gathered by looking at so many red carpet even pictures. i also really want to see zumanity, the erotic cirque du soleil, but the ticket prices are phenomenal. i'm also hoping that coca-cola world still offers glass bottled coke for 25¢. i love soda.

after three days in vegas we are renting a car and driving to los angeles. my head is swirling with these picturesque visions of the three of us driving through the desert dressed as 1950's world travelers. someone had better have a scarf in her hair and someone had better be in high-waisted shorts. i hope to be wearing polyester and we should all be in big sunglasses.

i've never been to the west coast but i'd really like to see the ocean and dip my feet in, at the very least. i'd love to see someone like lindsay lohan. i don't think i'd like to see britney simply because i have this vision of her in my mind and meeting her could possibly tarnish it.

now all i can think about is going out west. i suppose this is just the wheel of the world.

mardi-gras goes midwest.

2008-02-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

yesterday i spent the day visiting my family. it's always nice to see my mother and father and my grandma was there as it was her birthday. my parents adopted two puppies about a year ago and i got to see them, as well. i never had a dog growing up so it's kind of odd going back "home" and having two miniature daschunds there. but it's okay, they're cute .. at times.

after i finished catching up with my family (and by that i mean doing my laundry, of course) i headed back to my apartment and made plans with jamie to go to aut for a mardi-gras party. he, kristi, and i had a few drinks at my apartment and then made our way to the bar around midnight. i had a very good time, i had two strong drinks and a bottle of bud light (even though i've sworn off of beer) and then proceeded to sing karaoke with kristi. i didn't mean to get so drunk.

i've been trying to curb my excessive drinking as it isn't super healthy for me but once in awhile i slip. i hadn't been that drunk for about three weeks and that's good considering my track record in the past.

EXHIBIT A:

from what i remember (and from what i saw this morning in my outgoing calls log) i called my ex-boyfrend last night among other men .. all in the city. I also missed my first class today (EXHIBIT B!).

i need to get my act together and meet kristi and wendy for lunch.

boys, blow, and blowouts.

2008-02-05T13:17:00.000-05:00

last year at this time i found myself experimenting with a lot of things i had never experienced. coming out of an almost three year relationship, i figured i had a lot of living to do. new years eve 2006 was the first time i ever tried coke.

the following month, i found someone who was about as lost as i was. the only difference is that he had a lot of drugs. i had known joel for about a year and a half as he had dated one of my friends (with whom i was much closer when she met joel). however, this newly forged friendship which centered around his coming over and us doing lines off of my coffee table for a week straight between the hours of midnight and 5am was a whole new side of joel i had never seen.

in terms of friendships, this one happened very quickly. i'm sure it was the drugs talking but after he'd leave we would then stay up another hour and text one another about how much fun we were having spending time together.

joel confided a lot of personal information in me. like i said previously, i'm not here to air another's dirty laundry. however, one thing joel brought up to me was his sexuality. he spoke openly (after about line #03) about his appreciation for the male form and one night he told me he really wanted to spend a night together.

i remember coming to terms with my sexuality. and i remember at the time all i wanted was someone i could turn to and begin to experience this new lifestyle. and i saw myself given the position to be that person for somebody else. how could i say no?

that weekend, after a long night of partying, my friend kristi was passed out in my bed and joel gave me a call around 4am. i had spent the night drinking so by 4am i was fairly sober and in no position to fool around with anyone. however, joel was adamant about coming over even after i had explained that kristi was here face down in my bed.

when he got here, we talked in my kitchen for a minute where he kept putting his hands on my waist before he led me to my sofa, sat me down, and kissed me. and he was a good kisser. and the next thing i knew we were having sex with kristi about five feet away. i'm not sure how much i actually wanted to sleep with him. part of me did, another part of me thought it was way to much a scene out of a movie not to, and yet another part of me wanted to do it because my ex-boyfriend was attracted to joel and it felt kind of good to know i was doing something he'd never do but had always wanted to.

he didn't come and could barely even stay hard since he was so high. after he asked me to blow him (to which i declined as he had just been inside me), he got dressed and left.

joel and i didn't talk for a few days and i finally texted him one night making sure he was okay with what we had done. joel's only response consisted of, "i hardly remember."

i let it go at that point. the timing was kind of good since i really didn't need a nasty drug addiction inhibiting my everyday life as it had been.

i saw joel a few times after that. he tried to fuck kristi last summer and that was kind of odd to watch. one night last spring he tried to come over but i politely declined. he's now overseas and won't be back here until i'm long gone.

the situation between joel and myself is back in my life because i believe my friend whom he dated prior to our encounter may know. during the fall i made the drunken mistake of telling her current boyfriend dustin about joel and i during a vulnerable time in which i felt he really needed to hear it. it helped to alleviate some issues he had been dealing with. and at that point dustin was one of my better friends and i was willing to sacrifice something very personal for his well-being.

during high school as i was coming into my own i remember being outed by a guy named jason to some of my friends before i even had the chance to tell them. it did a number on my psyche and i swore to never out someone before he was ready to do so himself. (it's sad because jason was my first real crush on a boy as well. though some four years later i found jason outside of the bar and he was convinced i was going to take him home. tangent, sorry.) however, i was feeling mildly vengeful since joel had blown me off so quickly after our time together so i let it all out to dustin.

so in sum, i'm currently waiting for my friend to approach me about sleeping with her ex-boyfriend and when she does i'll have no idea what to say.

crash course in crash diets.

2008-02-04T18:53:00.000-05:00

today i began my diet for spring break. now, i'm aware that las vegas and los angeles in late february won't exactly be bathing suit weather but i still need to make sure i look my best. i just ate the most peculiar dinner consisting of a small serving of chicken stir fry and two spoonfuls of peanut butter. beach body!

i need to star looking for a post-graduate career. there, i said it. i really need to have a steady income in new york. i can't continue to work retail after i receive my bachelor's. i sincerely hope that i begin looking this week. however, i'm finding my down time isn't really in my hands, anymore. so here's to hoping that nobody bogarts my time.

not only am i beginning my diet today but i'm also going to start tanning this evening (after 9:30pm as it is $2.00 less) and try to get back into the routine of doing some nightly exercise. lofty goals, i know. i'm a new soul.

man, i want another spoonful of peanut butter but that's 100 calories that i simply cannot spare.

night of the living exes.

2008-02-04T00:24:00.000-05:00

sometimes i think i'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. i've been looking for something monumental to open with and this surely isn't it. but at this rate i don't think i'll see anything monumental for a long, long time.

it's easy to say when i know that no one can hear me. it's something i think about more than i should. and it's not really something i can voice to those closest to me because it's a common fact that i'm better off without him.

the combination of he and i together was similar to a single bipolar sufferer. the highs were so high but the lows were so, so low. i suppose he and i were a disease for which there is no cure. profound, i know.

last night was a tour de exes in which i saw michael for the first time since we had split. he was having a birthday party and since we ended on fairly good terms, i felt it was in my civil ex duties to make an appearance. it was very good to see him and meet his new boyfriend. i know it's juvenile but it's strange to not harbor ill feelings towards an ex's current. i like it. it's, dare i say it, healthy.

last night i also saw erik, someone i've spent the night with about four times now but never officially dated. he also has a boyfriend whom i will not elaborate upon because i'm not one to air anyone's dirty laundry but my own. it was also good to see erik as it always is because he has become an outlet for my unabashed flirtation. and he takes it in stride, if you will.

i've got a long week ahead and i may still in love with my ex. to february.